number one

Ficlet: I Have Been Her Kind - Number One, gen

Title: I Have Been Her Kind
Author: igrockspock
Characters: Number One
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Captaining a starship is as close to motherhood as she's ever wanted to come.
Content Advisory:: Abortion
Notes: Not first person, although I suppose the title sort of implies that. For the prompt "she was not generally in favor of motherhood" at where_no_woman's latest drabble fest.



It isn't actually a hard decision.

Her period is a week late, then two, then a whole month. She waits till she's six weeks late to take a test, even though she's known the truth in her heart for more than a month. She isn't ashamed to have gotten pregnant -- it isn't her fault that modern birth control isn't foolproof -- but she is embarrassed that she took so long to face the fact. It isn't like her not to own up to the truth.

"Let me know when you've made your decision," Phil says.

"It isn't a decision."

She could have gone back to her quarters to pretend to think, but now that she's finally confronted this...problem, she has no interest in shying away from the truth. For a moment, she considers telling him that she had no parents of her own and that being the captain of a starship is the closest to motherhood she ever wants to come. But Phil is a doctor, not a priest, and she doesn't need absolution anyway. To suggest that the decision requires explanation is to suggest that it is debatable and possibly wrong, and she will not entertain that possibility.

He lets her take the two pills to her quarters and puts her on medical leave for two days. She flushes the painkiller down the head and doesn't bother to analyze why she should choose to suffer physical pain for something she is not ashamed of and does not believe is wrong. Then she swallows the second pill dry, curls into bed with her boots still on, and waits for it to be over.
Damn. Props for taking a tough subject and making it work all the way sans melodrama. Rock on.
Thank you so much! It really means a lot to know I succeeded in the effort of tackling this realistically.
Wow, this is painful to read in that it grabs a hold of you and just won't let go. Completely awesome.
Wow. Just... wow. I'm just speechless. This was so painful, and yet... wow.
She could have gone back to her quarters to pretend to think

This. I really, really like this line in particular, because it shows more than any other that she doesn't need to make up her mind, she already knows she doesn't want children, and it's not on her to bear any moral burden for it, especially as she took precautions to avoid the situation.

I think the bit where she decides to rough it out without the painkiller makes her extremely human.
Thank you so much!

I think so many women do punish themselves in situations like these. It is unjustified, but it is easy to believe that the pregnancy is a failure of some kind, or to want to feel some pain at stopping what could have become a life.
I wandered here from the link you left on thistlerose's LJ. I cried when I read your fantastically awesome fic about Spock and how he decides to that Amanda's funeral wasn't what it was meant to be (my mum just left after visiting me for the weekend, and this resonated so strongly!) but. This.

To suggest that the decision requires explanation is to suggest that it is debatable and possibly wrong, and she will not entertain that possibility.

Thank you. Thank you. It needs to be said, and it isn't.
Major props for writing this. There IS too much silence about abortion.

Thanks