kirk: key word is alleged

Ficlet: A Velociraptor-Free Workplace (Kirk, Rand)

Title: A Velociraptor-Free Workplace
Characters: Kirk, Rand
Rating: PG
Summary: There are no velociraptors on starships. At least, there aren't supposed to be.
Notes: Written for the picture prompt meme. And because I have long had an unhealthy obsession with Starfleet officers confronting velociraptors.

“Janice, would you happen to know anything about this?”

Janice looked up from her padd and found Jim perched on the edge of her desk, waving a small yellow sticky note emblazoned with the number twelve.

“I don't know, sir, where did you get it?”

“From a sign next to the water cooler on the observation deck.”

“I see. And what did the sign say, sir?”

Janice felt the corners of her mouth twitch up even though she didn't mean for them to. This was going to be good.

“It said that this is a velociraptor-free workplace and that it has been twelve days since the last velociraptor incident. Would you happen to know, Janice, what that sign is doing on the observation deck of my starship?”

“Well, sir, it's probably because the U.S.S. Enterprise is a velociraptor-free workplace – all Starfleet starships are, as a matter of fact – and certain people who were chased down the corridors by carnivorous prehistoric reptiles might regard twelve velociraptor-free days worth celebrating.”

“Janice, are you really still pissed off about that? Because I really think it's a cool story.”

“I don't know, sir. Maybe on the nights when I can still feel its hot breath on my neck, I do get a little angry.”

“I see,” Jim said, and Janice was glad to see that he had the decency to look a little abashed. Of course, Jim Kirk looking abashed was always quickly followed by Jim Kirk trying to bullshit his way out of trouble, and Janice was betting that today was no exception.

“You know, Janice, I think the most salient fact here is that the velociraptor did not successfully eat you.”

“I imagine it did not know that there was a stash of phaser rifles on deck twelve, or that a resourceful yeoman without security clearances could open that stash with her hairpins.”

Jim fidgeted a little under her glare.

“All right, all right, you win. Being chased by velociraptors is bad. Just stop looking at me like you're trying to vaporize me with your eyeballs.”

“I believe that you meant to say, 'Janice, how can I make this up to you?'”

Jim laughed uneasily.

“You know, you kind of remind me of my mom when you glare that way.” Janice glared harder. “And also, Yeoman, I would like to know how can I make this up to you.”

Janice crossed her legs and relaxed in her seat. She had been planning for this moment for twelve days.

“I would like sticky notes. A lot of them. They are archaic and expensive, but I like them.”

She passed him a padd.

“This is the requisition form. Sign here. Additionally, I will need security clearance for every weapons store on this ship.” Jim opened his mouth to protest, but Janice shook her head. “I don't care how, but if you can get a dinosaur on this ship, you can damn well get me a security clearance.”

“Right.” Jim nodded slowly, knowing he was trapped. “What else?”

“You will report to sickbay at 1400 hours so that Dr. McCoy will stop harassing me about your annual physical as if it is my fault that you don't have the common sense to take care of yourself. You will also sign a contract here” -- she opened a new screen on the padd -- “indicating that you will follow proper cargo handling procedures at all times, including but not limited to the proper scanning of all shipping crates before beaming them aboard.”

“That all?” Kirk asked, and Janice shook her head.

“One more contract. This says you will contact me the next time an attractive alien female offers you mysterious gift, including but not limited to gifts from Earth's past. And if you default on any part of the arrangement, I get to sit in the captain's chair for a whole shift. Gamma shift will do, but I insist on a whole shift.”

Jim signed with a flourish.

“Now will you take down the sign?”

“Of course, sir.”

Janice knew she was really going to enjoy that shift in the captain's chair. It was only a question of how long she would have to wait.
“You know, you kind of remind me of my mom when you glare that way.” Janice glared harder. “And also, Yeoman, I would like to know how can I make this up to you.”

HA. HA. Oh Jim T. Kirk, you bad boy.

This was hilarious, and spot-on. Loved it.
So much adorable on one screen!

Note to self: stealth reading fic at work doesn't work when you are laughing out loud.
You had me at velociraptors...

ETA: And that was sublimely beautiful. I have epic love for Rand.

Edited at 2011-07-29 10:59 pm (UTC)
Glee!!! Velociraptors on the Enterprise and Janice being badass and brow beating Jim to boot :-)

As a side note I think you're missing a 'get' from this sentence "if you can a dinosaur on this ship, you can damn well get me a security clearance."
I'm glad you enjoyed it!

And yeah, that typo has been driving me crazy all week, but I haven't been able to get the editing interface to load. I'll have to try again now that LJ is better :)