spock: logic is sexy

Ficlet: Not the Desert, Not Repenting (Amanda/Sarek, R)

Title: Not the Desert, Not Repenting
Author: igrockspock
Pairing: Amanda/Sarek
Rating: R
Summary: Sarek and Amanda, alone in a moment of the night. Inspired by the Mary Oliver poem "You do not have to be good / you do not have to walk on your knees / for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting./ You only have to let the soft animal of your body / love what it loves."
Notes: for where_no_woman's latest drabble fest.



Amanda rises from the bed, her gauzy nightgown barely covering her body. Sarek knows she wears nothing beneath it, and if he raises his eyes, he will see the pale curves of her bottom beneath the ephemeral fabric. He clenches his fingers convulsively against the sheets, fighting for control over the desire sparked by her nearly naked body. He has already surrendered once this evening; he will not allow it again. It would be better to look away from her, but he cannot, so he focuses instead on her elegant bare feet padding over the wooden floor and the fluttering shadows her gown trails behind her.

Desire marginally controlled, he rises until he is sitting, making certain that the sheets do not fall below his waist. This is irrational, he knows. Amanda has seen his body bare, was lying curled next to it only moments ago. To conceal his nudity now serves no purpose. And yet, ironic though it is to pay tribute to his heritage in such an illogical way, he feels he must make this one small concession to Vulcan propriety. He will make love to a woman not his wife, he will occasionally, at her request, fuck her -- he breathes though a fresh wave of desire, remembering her voice in his ear, harder, please, Sarek, fuck me, her manicured nails leaving half moons in his back -- he will do these things, but he will not pretend that this intimacy of their bodies is ordinary, matter-of-fact, something to be done when it is not required. He locates his underthings at the foot of the bed and puts them on before he rises.

She is waiting for him at the other end of the room, a thick slice of freshly cooled bread in her hand. He reaches her in seconds though he moves without haste; the small studio apartment takes little time to traverse. He had congratulated her on the selection when she moved here a few weeks ago, saying that the small size was a reasonable compromise in light of its favorable location. In truth, he had been pleased that in this small room, she could never be far from him.

"It is ready?" he inquires even though the answer is obvious; she would not have left the bed -- their bed? he wonders -- if it were not, and she would not hold it out to him as a precious religious offering if she did not believe it fit to eat.

Her smile is conspiratorial.

"Ready."

He bites into his slice at the same time she sinks her teeth into her own. He would have preferred to watch the dark outline of her lips against the pale bread, but he knows it is important to her that he seems eager to eat. Crumbs of crust drift down to his feet, as he had known that they would, but he does not ask for a plate no matter how logical it would be to do so. Nor does he pull the broom from the space by the refrigerator to sweep up the bits of flour dusting the floor. He would like to; she is not careful when she cooks, and it is only logical that her partner should complement her messiness with his own cleaning skills. This is the way of Vulcan: one partner's weaknesses mitigated by the other's strengths. But she will not understand the gesture for what it is. She will think it a criticism, a disruption of the moment she had intended to share with him.

He does not understand why she should make bread when the local supermarket's is more than adequate, though he supposes there is value in self-sufficiency. He comprehends even less the impulse that led her to begin baking when she knew the project could not be completed until a most inconvenient hour. Yet, he knows he will revisit this evening many times in his mind, watching her smooth, meditative face as she kneaded the dough, seeing the strange gleam in her eyes as she offered him the bread. These things are somehow symbolic of who she is, and perhaps the reason for the light that glows more brightly in her eyes than in any other woman's. She inhabits a strange world governed by the foreign forces of impulse and desire, and when he surveys the illogical mountains of paper books and the impractical high heels discarded near the door, he knows that she is dangerous.

He does not leave.
I really love just how palpable Sarek's fascinated desire is. This is so hot I'm shivering.

(And yes, it is so nice I read it twice. :D)

Edited at 2010-01-09 03:48 am (UTC)
This is so hot I'm shivering.

What a delicious image! I'm so pleased you liked it enough to come back for more :)
I love this too. The last line is pure perfection "he knows that she is dangerous." He knows, yes, but still cannot resist her. ;)
I'm so glad when you write another Amanda Sarek story, you got the characters so well, and they are hot as burning, and sweet as pie at the same time
Aw, thank you so much! This is a new pairing for me, so it means a lot that you think I got it right.
I love how Sarek doesn't really understand a lot about Amanda, but he finds her important enough to try, and seems to sort of reconstruct his logic around her. Lovely writing, as always.
Just gorgeous, I can't believe these two are fast becoming my favourite pairing!
Ooh, I love that poem! And what a gorgeous fic this is.

This is the way of Vulcan: one partner's weaknesses mitigated by the other's strengths. But she will not understand the gesture for what it is. She will think it a criticism, a disruption of the moment she had intended to share with him.

I really liked this moment, both the insight itself and the way Sarek is clearly making an effort to relate to Amanda in a way that's important to her.
This is both sweet and very sexy, not an easy combination. I like the imagery of baking bread, kneading the dough, the messiness of it and the sensuality. Also how that is echoed in how Sarek wants to resist how complicated (messy!) Amanda is making his life but he just can't.
You already know how much I adore and am inspired by this story, but I'm saying it again here! I love the way you portrayed the conflict within Sarek between his desire for Amanda and the mystery of her humanness and his belief in the traditions of his culture. We think all the time about Spock as a being divided, but not so much about Sarek, and I'm thrilled by your insight into him.
Thank you! I know my response is late, but it means a lot to have someone understand the story so well.
Excellent. It's poetic and a tad hard to comprehend. Which really makes sense because it is a Vulcan's POV. I kept rereading the paragraphs on my way through to absorb it all. Like I got to part about her not being his wife and reread the first two paragraphs in that context. (I did think I was reading a post-marriage fic so I had to readjust my assumption.) But I just kept rereading to make sure I got it all.

He's conflicted, obviously desiring her a lot, and trying to be a good human boyfriend despite his Vulcan culture.

I like it. I very much like scenes of Sarek and Amanda (full stop), but I also very much like these pre-marraige but very attached (since Vulcan touch telepathy makes sex very intimate - no casual sex for them) where they co-habitate or something like it.

Lovely story. Thanks.
So wonderful. Your ability to describe the details that make up a moment are breathtaking.
That is one of my favorite poems, and what beautiful justice you've done it with this wonderful and evocative vignette.
So... I've read all you're fics- and you rock, btw!

But here I feel the need to say that you've just made bread making a lot kinkier for me, thanks! :]
Thank you for this wonderful piece. I love how you find the places where the shows & movies left the biggest holes (e.g.: spock has a vulcan father and human mother and is conflicted, the end) and weave such gorgeous meaning and humanity into the spaces. Everything I used to be annoyed at ST for not developing enough (spock lineage, women as entire ppl and not plot devices)--now that I've started reading your stuff, I'm so glad they left the holes there!
Thank you so much! You leave such incredible, kind feedback and I always reply to it several months too late. I'm so sorry for my disorganization with comment replies, but grateful to have found this :)
Geez...I actually trembled upon reading "He does not leave" and had goose bumps sweep over me. It has been awhile since that happened while reading.
Somehow I missed this when you first posted it, so I'm glad you linked to it tonight! I loved the sensuality underlying Sarek's thoughts and reasoning.

Of course, now I'm craving home made bread.